She Don't Turn Heads

She don't turn heads when she walks by
She says everyone has their era of beauty
And she's glad her era has died
She grew tired of beautiful things
Everyone needs to feel passion once
The up all night broken bones ardor
But lust dries up and time's still there
She says a body to touch ain't worth as much
As soul you can hold and admire
Now she loves scars and cracks and bad dreams
She's fallen in love with used and broken things
Calloused hands she can read like Braille
That one long conversation that never stops
Waking up just to pick up where you left off
She wants to fill her life with music
Cause she's lived too long in uncomfortable silence
She don't turn heads when she walks by
But behind her plain face she's more beautiful than she's ever been

Forget me

You’re going to fall in love soon

I can taste it in the air

You’re like metal for lightening dear

And I’m gonna watch it strike you

I don’t want to bring you down love

You need it and it’s gonna be just enough

But for everything it’ll mean to you

It’ll be only be a nibble when you’re starving

I know your story cause it’s my story too

Reaching too high and coming up short

Thinking you have touched your dreams

Reality playing out in film noir scenes

I think each of us is what the other needs

But you’ll be there and I’ll be here

And we’ve got those lonely nights to fill

In another life we might not have to settle

But this is who and where we are

So live your love as best you can

Forget the fights and buy the flowers

And try to forget I’d love you better

Technicalities

So, I'm still trying to figure all this stuff out. I made a facebook page for this blog, and I will cross post there I guess. so yeah. Here's the link for that if you want to follow me on FB.
https://www.facebook.com/FindingAWayToFly/

Better Stead

I think our love was made of drugs

300 milligrams of affection

Take twice a day and let yourself play

Now we’ve gone cold turkey

And there is no reason left to stay

I’m not gonna play these games

Let you make me think i haven’t earned love

I know where i’ve been son

And i know where i’m from

I don’t deserve your derision

I’ve earned more than you could ever hope to give

And I’m fine with all you’ve got

But you won’t give me one red cent

And that my friend just won’t float

Keep your coldness to yourself

I’ve always been reaching for the sun

And you’ve only ever left me cold

I’d rather be lonely alone

Than face one more minute of your stone

You always try to convince me

That i don’t love myself

But that my friend is where you’re wrong

I love myself enough to know

I’d keep myself in better stead

Than staying stuck beside a man

Who cannot see that i am gold

With you i might tarnish and mold

I’d be better off sparkling all alone

Missed You Again

I’d do anything to be your perfect girl

To be ready when you’re ready

To be a woman when you need one

And a child when you you want to play

I want to heal you when you’re broken

And make you laugh when the world’s just too much

But i’m never gonna be just right

I’m always gonna be five years too early or too late

Never so far away that you can’t find me

But always just out of space and time

I’m exactly what you need and you know it

I know it too but we’re out of sync

We’re always miles or decades out of sway

There have been lives when we were just right

When our love is the stuff of legend

Our story is written in the stars

But mostly we miss each other

We become the tragedy we talked about

All those lives ago, don’t say you forgot

We have always done this dance

We laid on bearskin rugs in persia

And talked about how souls would always collide

But you’ve watched me burn alive

And i’ve seen you drown in the light

I know you think i left you alone in this time

But please believe i’m so lonely

I’m staring out the window at the moon and i beg

That you know that i’m here praying too

And this isn’t our first dance with loneliness

But everytime feels like the first time

When you know your other half is out there

Slowly spinning out into stardust

And i’m helpless to save you this time

Do you remember when this was you

Watching me while you thought you had to stand still

When your heart was telling you to find me

But your body was trapped through and true

In the wrong time and the wrong place

The Loneliest Place I Know

I am so lonely inside of my head,
It is the loneliest place I know.
I read from the tomes of humanity
And find in my loneliness I am not alone,
In this life I live inside of my head.
I am the only one who really knows
Each step that it took to lead me here.
To this moment that can never be found again,
Standing in the driving blinding snow,
The cold breath of life ice sharp in my veins.
The only company I have ever kept is my own soul.
This well inside that has survived the tides,
Survived despite how many times I've drowned in it.
I have fed my soul as best I can,
Though no one told me what food I should feed it.
I had to decide for myself what shall nourish me,
The food I have fed my soul kept me strong.
Even when my body was empty my soul was fed,
By eyes which read the words and saw the scenes,
By ears that heard the notes plink plink through space,
By a mind that hungrily consumed every sight,
And sound and smell and taste and felt the world,
In hands that were cold and shook.
And I have been among friends who love me.
I have shared in joy and in sadness and I have wasted time,
And I pray that not all of my best days are past.
I pray that I may become who I am inside,
In such a way that all who knew me will see
They never really knew me at all.
And those with souls like mine will find me,
I pray this soul that I have kept alive
Will not just continue to be fed, but will thrive.
Maybe this loneliness I have known was not my condition,
But a preparation for the life it was meant to pursue.
If there is such a thing as destiny, I have never known it,
I have seen my choices screaming back at me from consequence.
Only I can write the story of my life, only I.
And I will write a beautiful story.

Silence Weeping

We're talking through tin cans 
Strung upon stars 
Stretching through night space
You spinning on your world 
I over here spinning on mine 
By time your tremors reach me
I can't understand what you said 
No matter how I stamp and scream 
You'll only hear the same thing 
A tremor tripping along 
Losing all meaning 
While through the vast we're wheeling 
How can so much nothing 
Convey the violence we're feeling 
On my lonely little world 
I turned your vibrations to music 
It's the sound of silence weeping...

True Love

You open your mouth 
And cover me with your vile 
while you try to rip away 
With your hands the meanness you spew 
You do not stop your evil mouth speaking 
In this way we have danced 
You making an enemy of my bones 
Myself turning pain into a home 
This is what we both came for 
You could only have a home of hurts 
And for hands that try to heal 
I endure the words that burn

Let Me Tell You

Let me tell you about my mother
Who carried me in her womb
Across whose breast I was laid
Whose finger I clutched in my tiny hand 
And there ended her maternal devotion
Let me tell you about my mother
Who used me like a pawn
In a brutal game of marital chess
Then washed her hands and walked away
Professing all the while she did her best
Let me tell you about my mother
Who cannot tell the truth from her lies
Reeling me in time and time again
For one more chance to break my heart
Who is hurt I deny her my children
Let me tell you about my father
Who snorted up my chances from the start
Spending my toddlerhood in a cell
Stewing in his own psychopathy
Who was released when he was born again
Let me tell you about my father
Who denied he ever loved my mother
And after winning me by default
Did his level best to live a single man
While I existed on scraps of charity
Until he found a new wife to destroy
Let me tell you about my father
Who used my love to violate me 
Took my innocence in his hands
And painted my brain in bright red pain
Who left me a beaten down child
Growing in body but not in mind
Let me tell you about my children
My son who made me a mother
My daughter who made me a woman
Two gifts I'll never truly deserve
Two promises I would die to keep
Let me tell you about my children
Pure unadulterated possibilities
Who hold me higher even than God
In whose eyes this disaster is beautiful
Whom I could never claim to be worthy of
For whom I rebuild myself every single day
Let me tell you about myself
A broken child who became a mother
A broken child who became a woman
A broken child who became strong
A broken child who became me
Let me tell you about a dreamer
A fighter, a learner, a creator
A lover, a builder, a seeker
Let me tell you about myself

Toy on a Shelf

I can't tell that little girl
To give her mother up for gone
That I know these ropes better than most
And all the wishing in the world doesn't work
Cause I also know you never give up the hope

She said I feel like a toy on the shelf
That nobody wants
All the people see me but they walk by
What's wrong with me
What's wrong with me

How you gonna look at her
Say I love you but then you walk away
Don't you remember being tender
Or was that never a thing for you
You're breaking her before she's even whole

She said I feel like a toy on the shelf
That nobody wants
All the people see me but they walk by
What's wrong with me
What's wrong with me

I can tell her she's perfect
I can and do but it doesn't matter
Her aunt is just the mother she can't have
I try my best but she knows she isn't mine
What you should have heard keeps me up at night

She said I feel like a toy on the shelf
That nobody wants
All the people see me but they walk by
What's wrong with me
What's wrong with me

The Road Home

The blind leading the blind, an expression
Heard a hundred times before finally understood
Yes I am mad and they should have known better

They were the blind leading the blind
My children are blind as I lead them
I am making mistakes, I am blind
There is no way to know which way you should go
Yes I am mad and they should have known better

We are wading out into the depths
Never quite certain of our tentative steps
We get stuck in the mud; we get in over our heads
We swim towards the light and pray that we're right
Yes I am mad and they should have known better

I cry in the night, in pain, with regret
I dream of wounded birds climbing through ash
To the top of a volcano where they fall into dust
I cry in anger and I cry in the deepest joy
Most of all I cry for our souls so lost in their woes
Only we know the depths of the holes in our souls
Only we know the heaviness of our trespasses

Yes I am angry and they should have known better
But maybe it's time to put the pain away
Maybe not forgiven, certainly not forgotten
But given away to a higher power as our hearts scab up
Perhaps life is just going to keep on going
Perhaps it is time to give up on the not knowing
Let the time be calm as it can be before there is no more

Who Was She?

Who was she 
I can't remember now
She's a shadow
Hiding behind a fog 
Of too many years and tears
I search what photos exist
For a smile, for a hint
Or was it always pretend
No, I remember laughing
In the yard with the dogs
On the bank of a creek 
My face in a book
Barefoot dancing to the blues
If I try really hard
I can conjure up the dreamer
A girl who cherished the light
A child who loved wide open
I want so badly to hold her
To tell her how strong she is
And everytime I hold my daughter
That's exactly what I do

muse

Nothing

That soundless breath
A gentle pressure
In the back of my head
The weight of a promise
Too heavy to keep
Minutes cut with a razor
Seconds laid out in lines
Memories mainlined
Directly into my veins
There is a void now
A nothing
Nothing
Nothing
This place knew those dreams
Fresh blossoms of youth
Blew a winter wind on them
I watched each one wilt
Fall apart into dust
On the ice cold floor
Of a heart that used to be
Perpetually in spring
There is a void now 
A nothing
Nothing 
Nothing
There is a void now
A nothing
Nothing
Nothing

Words

You think they're just words
That they don't really matter.
Or even worse they're feelings,
And those are best left ignored.
At best you think it's "cute"
But mostly you think it's annoying
That they mean so much to me.
I would ask what's in this for you,
But i fear i already know.
Is safety worth this sacrifice?
You say that's a bit dramatic,
How could you understand?
You cannot imagine how it feels
To know that the best part of yourself
Means exactly nothing to everyone. 
How it feels to lock your pride away,
To have to treat it like a shame.
Words are not my stupid hobby.
They are everything i am. 
They are the beat of my heart.
They are the tick of my brain.
Without them I'm just a corpse.
And when they mean nothing to you,
Does that mean i am nothing too?

Stormy

"You strike with the violence in your eyes"

She says "It's more real than all your loveless lies."

"This time I won't run away and hide,"

He says "I won't justify your ego's suicide."

The electricity between them is building

Stonger in all the truths they've been fielding

Their words are rain pounding them into the ground

The truth in their anger drowned out by the sound

He tries to scrub the scars away

But rips them open and leaves them where they lay

No one was there that dark lonely day

He already knew what they would say

"Don't refuse to be yourself,

Because I put you on a shelf"

Everyone has a secret story,

Our's is just too dark and gory."

"It can't be love if it hurts this much."

But his gravity pulls her to his touch

"She goes out of her way to break me down."

But there is no warmth when she's not around.

She tries to scrub the scars away

But rips them open and leaves them where they lay

There was no one there that dark lonely day

She already knew what they would say

Above the clouds the silence is fleeting

They create thunder with their cold heart's beating

Neither will ask if they are dreaming

They give this moment it's true meaning

You can't let go of what you don't own

The pain they reap are the wounds they've sown

This is a love that lives in the dark of night

So afraid of itself it never sees the light

They try to scrub the wounds away

But rip them opem and leave them where they lay

There was no one there that dark lonely day

They already knew what they would say

Untitled

Yes, I miss you
There, I said it
I know I shouldn't
I don't even want to
But a thousand times a day
You show up anyway

I think our lives will change
In a thousand different ways
But the part of me you hold
Will one day bring you back
My heart can't accept the loss
Of the only one who ever really knew it

One day you will realize
That something inside you is missing
It will gnaw and nag at you
Until you realize I still hold a part of you
And I will give it back
All you have to do is ask

I hear you in my heart
You're the voice I cannot speak
Though it hurts like hell
I nurse these scars inside
For they burn like prophecy
Proof you belong to me