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She's fashionably obscene
Hanging on your arm
Like an art deco prop
All right angles and gold lamé
Her words are black pepper
A sting on the tip of the tongue
Unpleasant but addictive
It doesn't matter what's she's saying
You can't hear over the curve of her neck
It's IV morphine
When you're dying slowly
She's only ever graced you with a sneer
You're onto her game
But you can't stop playing
She's fine here in the dark
Swaying to music of her choosing
But when the lights come on
And you can see the veins of humanity
Pulsing beneath her skin
She's gonna be gone
Without a wave
Looking for a faker love
The safer love
Because her heart is out of bounds

Texture

She was laying there in the flower bed,
Her nose was running, her eyes were red.
She’s so busy grieving over falling,
She doesn’t care how high she flew,
How close she was to the truest truth.
This is just the nature of her,
Wildwood hair and fingers worked to blood.
She pulls shapes up out of mud,
Forms and scrapes together wings,
From memories of her one perfect day,
Scraps of lace and paper mache,
And the taste of his fingers on her bones.
Icarus always, reborn a dream wrapped in wax,
Reaching for a tinfoil moon on a blue velvet sky.
It’s the night that she’s hunting hung up with stars.
But day that she finds the higher she climbs,
Light so bright there’s nowhere to hide.
So she plummets back to start again,
With nothing but ticky tack taped paper wings.
Covered in tiny golden hairs made of string,
She wavers in the wind like a bag of broken bones,
She walks barefoot among the nameless broken stones.
She’s waiting for the love that breaks the walls,
She’s waiting for another chance to hear her calls.
Scream her name into a cold gray sea,
Wherever she is, that’s where she’ll be.

Burn

A tilt-a-whirl twirl
Of words in my head
Dredged up like dreams
From a vast glowing sea
Half processed scenes
Like shadows in a doorway
Somewhere down the rabbit hole
Another thought splinters off
Fumbles for purchase
Finds none and tumbles
The dark land of "forgotten"
A place only found again
Right on the borderlands of sleep
Words make sounds when they die
A staticky hiss
Like flames when quenched
Their echo it seems
Is a memory of a memory
Reverse deja vu
The beginnings of a habit
I am going to do this again
Fly too close to the sun
This light is not for everyone
In some stories it was stolen
A pilfered gift we get
But don't deserve
This is why I burn
This is why I burn

Impossible

We, since first we were guileless apes,

Have stood beneath the star choked sky,

Staring up at the eternal yawning breach.

We stare because we have no choice at all, 

Beckoned to our fate, moths to midnight flames.

No matter how busy and cluttered the world's grown

That light punched dome shrinks us,

Separates us into our composite parts.

Our beautiful science silenced by the void.

Fingers tremble in awesome glorious terror

That the scope is much too large

How very impossible it does't merely seem, but is.

In actuality, in truth, undeniably impossible,

That everything lined up in just the right way.

That we exist at all on our weird little dot

It is in this moment, trillions of them,

Spread across the space time of existence,

God was born. Born and born and born again.

Not a face or a name or a rule or a voice,

Just the hopeless, gaping enormity of Impossible.

Some of us walk on and kill that God,

With reason and logic or absolute denial.

Other give it a new shape and a name,

The build towers of laws and rules and dreams around it,

Anything they can to keep from falling in.

We are built on all the ways we find to stay sane.

But just the same, it always remains,

A seed of belief in the end of all things.

Because under the weight of a thoughtless universe,

We know, we are impossible, that which should not be.

We stare into the abyss and we are seen.

How

She had a tattoo on her wrist

“Live Bravely” it said

Pink ink and a flower

“How?” I asked in a panic

“How do you live bravely?

How does merely existing

Not fill you with abject terror?

Every breath a chance gone

So much time wasted in sleep

Regrets like tumors in your brain?

How do you not feel like a nomad

Wandering the desert barefoot

Always hunting for water

Life depending on single drops

Sweet relief you can never find

The raw wide open all around you

Suffocating the light inside you?

How do you live bravely

Standing among the roiling masses

Everyone around you moving

Destiny in their certain steps

But you are somehow standing still

Screaming in their faces SEE ME

And they don’t even blink

Trying to find a way to be real

But always certain you are dust

A floating mote in a sun ray

Never meant to mean anything

Forgotten between the floorboards

How do you live bravely

When you’re sinking in the void?”

I asked, my voice choking on the words

But she had already left the bus

And my stop was miles back

I'm gonna teach you music

I'm gonna be your blues

Gonna show you how deep the bass goes

How every note that flows from the sax

Is a flavor on your tongue that

Tastes like the salt of all the tears

Shed for every love that went away

Sometimes the pain is all we have

The hurt makes us the lucky ones

Cause it had to be good to burn so bad

I'm gonna be your jazz

The high string echo in your bones

You're gonna feel the red lights

The heat of my body on your thighs

That brass that addles your brain

Knocks down the walls and stands you up tall

Surrender to the frenzy you deny

Eat of my lust till you've had your fill

Let the morning sun find us panting still

I'm gonna be your rock

Find the drum thrum in your heart

Let my body play rhythm to your lead

You'll know exactly when to scream

Don't worry if you don't know the words

They'll bloom from your soul in time

Just let yourself feel that life beat

How our song is the bond we share

With everyone who believes in love

Forgive

I’m never gonna not burn.

Shades of black,

My ash,

Gives birth to cosmos.

I am a whirling dervish,

Feathers and sparks and dust.

You cannot blow me out,

My embers always glow.

The tears you sow,

They are your own.

I’ll carry them for you,

Because I can.

Because I am

The source of all waters.

I’ll collect them all,

And bathe you in them,

You’ll be made clean.

To live in my garden,

You only have to see.

All these plants are dreams

I grew for you,

While you were looking down.

Every stone you cast,

I turned into a hope for you.

And you can only go so long,

Before you hear the burning song,

And claim your love at last.

She Don't Turn Heads

She don't turn heads when she walks by
She says everyone has their era of beauty
And she's glad her era has died
She grew tired of beautiful things
Everyone needs to feel passion once
The up all night broken bones ardor
But lust dries up and time's still there
She says a body to touch ain't worth as much
As soul you can hold and admire
Now she loves scars and cracks and bad dreams
She's fallen in love with used and broken things
Calloused hands she can read like Braille
That one long conversation that never stops
Waking up just to pick up where you left off
She wants to fill her life with music
Cause she's lived too long in uncomfortable silence
She don't turn heads when she walks by
But behind her plain face she's more beautiful than she's ever been

Forget me

You’re going to fall in love soon

I can taste it in the air

You’re like metal for lightening dear

And I’m gonna watch it strike you

I don’t want to bring you down love

You need it and it’s gonna be just enough

But for everything it’ll mean to you

It’ll be only be a nibble when you’re starving

I know your story cause it’s my story too

Reaching too high and coming up short

Thinking you have touched your dreams

Reality playing out in film noir scenes

I think each of us is what the other needs

But you’ll be there and I’ll be here

And we’ve got those lonely nights to fill

In another life we might not have to settle

But this is who and where we are

So live your love as best you can

Forget the fights and buy the flowers

And try to forget I’d love you better

Technicalities

So, I'm still trying to figure all this stuff out. I made a facebook page for this blog, and I will cross post there I guess. so yeah. Here's the link for that if you want to follow me on FB.
https://www.facebook.com/FindingAWayToFly/

Better Stead

I think our love was made of drugs

300 milligrams of affection

Take twice a day and let yourself play

Now we’ve gone cold turkey

And there is no reason left to stay

I’m not gonna play these games

Let you make me think i haven’t earned love

I know where i’ve been son

And i know where i’m from

I don’t deserve your derision

I’ve earned more than you could ever hope to give

And I’m fine with all you’ve got

But you won’t give me one red cent

And that my friend just won’t float

Keep your coldness to yourself

I’ve always been reaching for the sun

And you’ve only ever left me cold

I’d rather be lonely alone

Than face one more minute of your stone

You always try to convince me

That i don’t love myself

But that my friend is where you’re wrong

I love myself enough to know

I’d keep myself in better stead

Than staying stuck beside a man

Who cannot see that i am gold

With you i might tarnish and mold

I’d be better off sparkling all alone

Missed You Again

I’d do anything to be your perfect girl

To be ready when you’re ready

To be a woman when you need one

And a child when you you want to play

I want to heal you when you’re broken

And make you laugh when the world’s just too much

But i’m never gonna be just right

I’m always gonna be five years too early or too late

Never so far away that you can’t find me

But always just out of space and time

I’m exactly what you need and you know it

I know it too but we’re out of sync

We’re always miles or decades out of sway

There have been lives when we were just right

When our love is the stuff of legend

Our story is written in the stars

But mostly we miss each other

We become the tragedy we talked about

All those lives ago, don’t say you forgot

We have always done this dance

We laid on bearskin rugs in persia

And talked about how souls would always collide

But you’ve watched me burn alive

And i’ve seen you drown in the light

I know you think i left you alone in this time

But please believe i’m so lonely

I’m staring out the window at the moon and i beg

That you know that i’m here praying too

And this isn’t our first dance with loneliness

But everytime feels like the first time

When you know your other half is out there

Slowly spinning out into stardust

And i’m helpless to save you this time

Do you remember when this was you

Watching me while you thought you had to stand still

When your heart was telling you to find me

But your body was trapped through and true

In the wrong time and the wrong place

The Loneliest Place I Know

I am so lonely inside of my head,
It is the loneliest place I know.
I read from the tomes of humanity
And find in my loneliness I am not alone,
In this life I live inside of my head.
I am the only one who really knows
Each step that it took to lead me here.
To this moment that can never be found again,
Standing in the driving blinding snow,
The cold breath of life ice sharp in my veins.
The only company I have ever kept is my own soul.
This well inside that has survived the tides,
Survived despite how many times I've drowned in it.
I have fed my soul as best I can,
Though no one told me what food I should feed it.
I had to decide for myself what shall nourish me,
The food I have fed my soul kept me strong.
Even when my body was empty my soul was fed,
By eyes which read the words and saw the scenes,
By ears that heard the notes plink plink through space,
By a mind that hungrily consumed every sight,
And sound and smell and taste and felt the world,
In hands that were cold and shook.
And I have been among friends who love me.
I have shared in joy and in sadness and I have wasted time,
And I pray that not all of my best days are past.
I pray that I may become who I am inside,
In such a way that all who knew me will see
They never really knew me at all.
And those with souls like mine will find me,
I pray this soul that I have kept alive
Will not just continue to be fed, but will thrive.
Maybe this loneliness I have known was not my condition,
But a preparation for the life it was meant to pursue.
If there is such a thing as destiny, I have never known it,
I have seen my choices screaming back at me from consequence.
Only I can write the story of my life, only I.
And I will write a beautiful story.

Silence Weeping

We're talking through tin cans 
Strung upon stars 
Stretching through night space
You spinning on your world 
I over here spinning on mine 
By time your tremors reach me
I can't understand what you said 
No matter how I stamp and scream 
You'll only hear the same thing 
A tremor tripping along 
Losing all meaning 
While through the vast we're wheeling 
How can so much nothing 
Convey the violence we're feeling 
On my lonely little world 
I turned your vibrations to music 
It's the sound of silence weeping...

True Love

You open your mouth 
And cover me with your vile 
while you try to rip away 
With your hands the meanness you spew 
You do not stop your evil mouth speaking 
In this way we have danced 
You making an enemy of my bones 
Myself turning pain into a home 
This is what we both came for 
You could only have a home of hurts 
And for hands that try to heal 
I endure the words that burn

Let Me Tell You

Let me tell you about my mother
Who carried me in her womb
Across whose breast I was laid
Whose finger I clutched in my tiny hand 
And there ended her maternal devotion
Let me tell you about my mother
Who used me like a pawn
In a brutal game of marital chess
Then washed her hands and walked away
Professing all the while she did her best
Let me tell you about my mother
Who cannot tell the truth from her lies
Reeling me in time and time again
For one more chance to break my heart
Who is hurt I deny her my children
Let me tell you about my father
Who snorted up my chances from the start
Spending my toddlerhood in a cell
Stewing in his own psychopathy
Who was released when he was born again
Let me tell you about my father
Who denied he ever loved my mother
And after winning me by default
Did his level best to live a single man
While I existed on scraps of charity
Until he found a new wife to destroy
Let me tell you about my father
Who used my love to violate me 
Took my innocence in his hands
And painted my brain in bright red pain
Who left me a beaten down child
Growing in body but not in mind
Let me tell you about my children
My son who made me a mother
My daughter who made me a woman
Two gifts I'll never truly deserve
Two promises I would die to keep
Let me tell you about my children
Pure unadulterated possibilities
Who hold me higher even than God
In whose eyes this disaster is beautiful
Whom I could never claim to be worthy of
For whom I rebuild myself every single day
Let me tell you about myself
A broken child who became a mother
A broken child who became a woman
A broken child who became strong
A broken child who became me
Let me tell you about a dreamer
A fighter, a learner, a creator
A lover, a builder, a seeker
Let me tell you about myself